Attorney General William Barr abruptly bailed on testifying in front of the House Judiciary Committee today after stammering his way through Wednesday’s Senate hearing in which he said could not recall simple facts, his reasons for doing various things, whether he had ever met a man named Donald Trump, and the dictionary definition of the word suggest. The Trump administration official had been set to continue testimony about the Mueller Report and whether he was aware of Special Counsel Robert Mueller’s disagreement with the way that Barr summarized the over 400-page reports’s findings. But, like Bartleby the Scrivener played by the Baby from Dinosaurs, when invited to face the House he declared, “I prefer not to!”

Senator Kamala Harris has so ruffled Barr’s feathers that he ran away and refused to answer any more questions. You know, to own the libs.

In response to Barr’s unexcused absence, Tennessee Representative Steve Cohen brought an actual ceramic chicken into the actual Capitol Building and placed it behind Barr’s name placard.

What, and I cannot stress this enough, the cluck?

It’s a move that, if there was any justice in the world, would be a plot point on The Good Fight. Alas, this is real life and you are barely living in it!

My dude really rolled into his local knickknack emporium and said “Show me your finest poultry!” Then he put said barnyard statuette into his trusty leather satchel, hopped in the back of a Lyft, screamed “Follow that dome! And make it speedy! There’s a fox in the henhouse!”

The idea here is that Barr is too chicken to testify. Which, sure. Although have you ever encountered a live chicken?! They are terrifying. And they know what the word “suggest” means. Next time the Democrats are in a fight with the Trump administration (like, five minutes from now) they should release a live chicken in the Oval Office. Foghorn Leghorn will have things cleaned up in no time.

Cohen wasn’t satisfied simply cluckholding Bill Barr. After placing the centerpiece from your great-aunt’s sideboard in the Attorney General’s place, Cohen took his seat and began ceremonially (and actually) chowing down on a bucket of KFC.

Sweet Reba in a White Wig, what is going on in this place on this day?!

Rep. Steve Cohen ate a bucket of fried chicken at 9 o’clock in the morning as an act of political protest. This is some Prairie Justice shenanigans and I’m upset. This is something I’d expect from a Wild West Congressperson with a handlebar mustache and a peg leg, back when the U.S. Mint was in the back of a stagecoach, Yosemite Sam was on the $5 bill, and the Secretary of Homeland Security was an actual stallion with no name. Steve Cohen hoists himself up on the Capitol steps, fires his pistol in the grit-filled, sooty air while Cormac McCarthy huddles in a corner and takes copious notes. “You won’t face me like a man, Bill Barr, you varmit?!” Cohen shouts. “Why I’ll eat this here chicken whole in front of God and all these here fine folks to shame ye! Face me, you scurrilous rapscallion, dagnabbit!”

Or perhaps going Wild West with it isn’t far enough back. There’s something grandiosely Shakespearean about this gesture. Talk about political theater!

Barr: Do you bite your extra crispy drumstick at us, sir?
Cohen: I do bite my extra crispy drumstick, sir.
Barr: Do you bite your extra crispy drumstick at us, sir?
Cohen (to Kamala Harris): Is the law of our side if I say ay?
Harris: What is happening here?

Honestly, I do not know how I am supposed to deal with this. How should I feel? Outraged? Entertained? Hungry? Follow up question: what’s up with the biscuits? Need more carb information here please.

I cannot wait until Delish comes out with a video series about how to fry a chicken starring your favorite congresspeople. That’s what I’m rooting for to save the nation. Cooking Videos 2020.

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