Well, the day finally came. I had to sit my young, impressionable, highly vaccinated children down, and explain to them why Mitch McConnell is encouraging a casual relationship with Schedule II narcotics. The Senate Majority Leader is selling reelection shirts with his alter ego “Cocaine Mitch” on them like he’s an edge lord with a VistaPrint coupon.
The name comes from McConnell’s former Republican opponent, Don Blankenship, who ran ads dubbing the senator “Cocaine Mitch.” This is apparently a reference to McConnell’s father-in-law, whose shipping company was implicated in cocaine smuggling and has given McConnell and his wife, Elaine Chao, the Secretary of Transportation, millions.
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The front of the shirts, in this reality, in the United States, in the year 2019, have a silhouette of a sitting Senator with sprinkles of cocaine powder raining down beside him like dandruff from a god who, at this point, must have forsaken all of us. The back of the shirt—which, may I remind you, are an effort to get American citizens to vote for public servant—display the words “Team Mitch” and “Join the cartel.”
Frankly, I am not sure which phrase is worse. Haven’t we spent the last 30 years demonizing cartels as the biggest threat to American prosperity besides universal healthcare, a livable wage, and voting rights for minorities? What changed? Did the imaginary caravan of rapscallions, bag men, and people doing a Scarface impression that President Trump says is racing toward our southern border suddenly have a spiritual awakening? Did Mitch McConnell, the Emperor Palpatine of the Republican party, take a private plane down there and give an impassioned speech in broken Spanish to a mirage about how drugs are good now?
I suppose this all tracks with the current movement of the Republican Party which seems to be adopting a policy that boils down to “What if we just did crime?”
Let me get this straight: felons definitely shouldn’t ever vote but anti-marijuana former Speaker of the House John Boehner can leave public life and join the board of a cannabis company and Mitch McConnell can joke about being a drug lord? Someone call Anna Wintour cuz I think this is camp.
This will be the one and only time I ever say this but Nancy Reagan, please come back and haunt the hell out of these dudes.
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