Well, the day finally came. I had to sit my young, impressionable, highly vaccinated children down, and explain to them why Mitch McConnell is encouraging a casual relationship with Schedule II narcotics. The Senate Majority Leader is selling reelection shirts with his alter ego “Cocaine Mitch” on them like he’s an edge lord with a VistaPrint coupon.

The name comes from McConnell’s former Republican opponent, Don Blankenship, who ran ads dubbing the senator “Cocaine Mitch.” This is apparently a reference to McConnell’s father-in-law, whose shipping company was implicated in cocaine smuggling and has given McConnell and his wife, Elaine Chao, the Secretary of Transportation, millions.

The front of the shirts, in this reality, in the United States, in the year 2019, have a silhouette of a sitting Senator with sprinkles of cocaine powder raining down beside him like dandruff from a god who, at this point, must have forsaken all of us. The back of the shirt—which, may I remind you, are an effort to get American citizens to vote for public servant—display the words “Team Mitch” and “Join the cartel.”

Frankly, I am not sure which phrase is worse. Haven’t we spent the last 30 years demonizing cartels as the biggest threat to American prosperity besides universal healthcare, a livable wage, and voting rights for minorities? What changed? Did the imaginary caravan of rapscallions, bag men, and people doing a Scarface impression that President Trump says is racing toward our southern border suddenly have a spiritual awakening? Did Mitch McConnell, the Emperor Palpatine of the Republican party, take a private plane down there and give an impassioned speech in broken Spanish to a mirage about how drugs are good now?

I suppose this all tracks with the current movement of the Republican Party which seems to be adopting a policy that boils down to “What if we just did crime?”

Let me get this straight: felons definitely shouldn’t ever vote but anti-marijuana former Speaker of the House John Boehner can leave public life and join the board of a cannabis company and Mitch McConnell can joke about being a drug lord? Someone call Anna Wintour cuz I think this is camp.

This will be the one and only time I ever say this but Nancy Reagan, please come back and haunt the hell out of these dudes.


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