Wow, yet another way that famed art fan Jake Gyllenhaal and I are the same: We both regularly frame and hang photos of Jake Gyllenhaal (allegedly). According to Page Six, a nosy parker at a downtown art framing store reportedly eavesdropped on a conversation between the store owner and another patron in which Gyllenhaal, my twin and creative soulmate, came up. “When the guy asked the owner if it seemed too vain to get a picture of himself framed,” Page Six reports, “the owner reassured him by saying, ‘Jake Gyllenhaal comes in all the time and I’ve never framed something for him that’s not a picture of himself.'”

Maybe this is an incredibly specific sales pitch the owner has conjured out of nothing. Maybe the patron overheard the owner talking about famed celebrity Splake Fillenhall.Maybe this is all just totally made up. But who cares! Wouldn’t you frame pictures of Jake Gyllenhaal if you were Jake Gyllenhaal? Look at him!

You know what that is? Art! Ever heard of it? You know what he has? Taste. Look it up! Jake Gyllenhaal has played a painter on stage, a photographer on the big screen, and an art collector on Netflix, so he knows what he’s talking about, okay? He’s basically Jerry Saltz.

What do you have on your walls in your house? A Matisse? Whatever. Make room for a Gyllen in your Hall. Tell “Live, Laugh, Love” to scooch over. There’s a new inspirational phrase in town, and that phrase is “Jake Gyllenhaal’s Eyes Follow You Around The Room.”

Anyway, according to a source close to the actor, this is all ridiculousness; Jake is simply fond of framing posters from his movies. That’s a perfectly reasonable explanation, but I don’t think anyone would have minded if Team Gyllenhaal (the only team I’m rooting for) had responded, “Well, like most of America, Jake’s day is made infinitely better by a glimpse of his perfect and versatile face. If you have a problem with this, we suggest you Google Image Search ‘Jake Gyllenhaal beard’ and print out literally anything you find. It’ll cure what ails ya.”

Also, maybe what happens at art stores should stay at art stores. Question: Who is this person standing in line at a framing store, who hears some tepid goss about Jake Gyllenhaal and decides that the first thing they should do is call Page Six with the scoop? If it were me, I would have played it cool, continued getting my hot dog eating contest certificate framed, and then returned to the store every single day until I “randomly” ran into Jake Gyllenhaal. It would be like a rom-com, because we’d both be carrying posters for Velvet Buzzsaw. We’d bond over how great Rene Russo and Toni Collette are, and have such a good time that we’d adjourn to a coffee shop around the corner. Table for four, please! One for me, one for Jake Gyllenhaal, and one each for our matching posters of Jake Gyllenhaal.

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