Remember that time we dreamt that Jude Law was the Pope and the Pope was a shady dude named Lenny who smoked and strode around like a regal elderly drag queen and threw shade at Diane Keaton for some reason and was also hot as balls? And we were all like, “Yes, this makes sense. I will watch every episode?” Well, it’s happening again.

JUDE!

Law returns to a constant loop on my television in the role of Pope Thirstus the Sexth in the forthcoming HBO series The New Pope, sequel to The Young Pope. Judging from the adjectives, it seems like the Pope is Benjamin Buttoning. What follows New? The Embryo Pope? The Idea of a Pope? What Pope? Frankly anything is possible.

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However, as the descriptors continue to roll backwards, Jude Law as Thirst Pope continues to age like the finest communion wine this side of the Sea of Galilee. Photographers caught the icon sending a message to me specifically as he strutted around a beach in Venice wearing the holiest of garments: a white Speedo.

Thirst Pope is serving Body-Oddy-Oddy of Christ here. Walking around looking like a whole Lunchable. I’m undone!

Call me Sister Mary Clarence because Thirst Pope has me contemplating some bad habits.

Look, I’m not trying to get myself Vaticancelled but you have to admit that Thirst Pope did not come to play. Showing up in the confessional looking like an Aussiebum ad. Forgive me, Zaddy, but I have some questions.

What is the plot of The New Pope? Who cares. It co-stars John Malkovich and features Jude Law exploring his low-level thiccness journey wearing less clothing than a painting of St. Sebastian. Do you need more information or do you just want to set your DVR, turn your phone to Do Not Disturb, and pour a glass of rosé?

The 46-year-old Law has expertly carved out a niche for himself playing revered authority figures who definitely bang. A comfortable, form-fitting, well-defined, snug niche. He’s the Pope Who Bangs. He’s Dumbledore Who Bangs. He’s Dr. Watson Who Bangs. Frankly when Jude Law shows up on screen and he’s not banging I immediately get stressed out. I enjoyed Captain Marvel very much but after the screening I ran up to the concessions stand in a panic, demanding to know if everything was okay with Jude Law. “The movie had the Bang Pope and yet he does not bang! Please explain. Is his little bishop feeling okay? Did he damage his Infinity Stones? Am I being clear enough here?” I am not allowed back into the movie theater and it is all the Thirst Pope’s fault.

How lucky are we to live in this, the golden age of Thirst-tertainment. I must admit, I am still not 100% certain that The Young/New Pope franchise actually exists and is not just a series of images targeted specifically to me, Minority Report-style. Either way, I’m fine with it. Thirst Pope can keep these Heavenly pictures coming forever and ever. Amen!


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